“Sometimes the hardest challenge isn’t receiving acceptance from God or other people; it’s receiving acceptance from ourselves.” —Leigh Finke, Queerfully and Wonderfully Made
Growing up, the world often felt like a stage where I had to perform a role that wasn’t truly mine. As a pastor’s child, I learned early that love came with conditions, mistakes were met with severity, and my worth was something to be constantly proven. This foundational belief system deeply impacted my sense of self, especially as I began to understand my own sexuality and gender identity.
The Weight of Hidden Truths
These burgeoning parts of myself were deemed “of the world” and sinful, forcing them into the shadows. Despite fervent prayers and desperate attempts to conform, my authentic identity persistently pushed through. There were moments of profound longing to be the “perfect little Christian Girl,” to erase the parts of me that felt incongruous with the expectations laid upon me. Yet, the truth was, these identities were never opposing forces; they were simply *me*.
Breaking Free from Conditional Love
The turning point arrived when I finally found the space to simply *be*. Disowned by my parents, who refused to acknowledge my chosen name, pronouns, or identity, I made the courageous decision to forge my own path. I moved out, immersed myself in college life, and sought out communities where I felt seen and valued. New friendships blossomed, built on genuine acceptance, and therapy became a crucial tool in my journey of self-discovery.
It was a slow, often arduous process, but I began to embrace every facet of who I truly was. This period of authenticity, though challenging, led me to discover my purpose. I pursued social work, earning both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees, driven by a desire to offer others the support I once desperately needed.
Redefining “Supposed To Be”
Authenticity demanded a radical departure from everything I had been taught. Initially, living truthfully felt like rebellion, a constant battle against the ingrained notions of how I “should” act, look, and speak. The expectations were rigid: long natural hair, no tattoos or piercings, constant evangelism, and a quiet, demure demeanor. But with newfound independence, the external scrutiny vanished.
No longer accountable to others’ rigid rules, I began to experiment. I shed obligations, cultivated friendships based on genuine connection, changed my style, cut my hair, and dated freely. The internal monologue of “But what if…” or “I don’t want to be too much…” slowly gave way to empowering affirmations from my supportive community: “Go for it!” and “Why not?” I wasn’t doing anything wrong; I was simply living outside someone else’s narrow definition of right.
The Path to Inner Happiness
The shift was palpable. “You look happier,” people observed. This wasn’t solely due to embracing my queer identity, though that was undoubtedly a significant factor. My happiness stemmed from shedding the mask, from no longer holding myself back, and from leaning into my core self. However, true self-love, I discovered, was a deeper, more internal journey that followed much later.
Relearning the Language of Love
Our earliest experiences shape our understanding of love. For me, love was conditional, something to be fought for, easily withdrawn, and always contingent on avoiding mistakes. Even after breaking free, I unconsciously carried this parental blueprint of love. I hadn’t been taught to cherish the “weird” or “different” parts of myself; I had to learn to embrace them until it felt natural.
Thankfully, I had built a robust support system: my community, my therapy, my chosen loved ones. They consistently demonstrated a different kind of love—unconditional, patient, kind, caring, supportive, and free. Their acceptance taught me that I didn’t need to *do* anything to deserve love; it simply *was*.
Building a Community of Unconditional Love
Relearning love is a profound and ongoing process. Years later, I continue to redefine and re-teach myself what love truly means, striving not only to receive it but to embody and give it freely. My current motto, “to have community, you must be community,” guides both my professional and personal life.
As a therapist, I empower individuals and couples to look inward and find their own truths. In my personal life, I actively nurture my connections—reaching out to friends, sending letters, and maintaining family ties. I endeavor to be present and supportive for others, mirroring the unconditional love and acceptance I have been so fortunate to receive.
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