“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” — Søren Kierkegaard
Let’s be unequivocally clear: this isn’t an ode to toxic positivity, nor a saccharine attempt to paint anxiety with silver linings. This article doesn’t suggest your perspective on anxiety is flawed. Instead, it’s a candid exploration of a lifelong relationship with a persistent companion – anxiety – and the unexpected wisdom gleaned from its unyielding presence. While moments of intense anxiety can feel utterly debilitating, obscuring any potential for growth, the lessons are undeniably there. And to be even clearer, learning from anxiety does not equate to endorsing it. Given the choice, I would trade every insight for a life with less anxiety. Even writing about it now stirs a familiar unease. Yet, the desire to offer genuine help compels me to share.
The Unlikely Genesis of a Lifelong Companion
When a Childhood Game Sparked a Lifetime of Worry
The 1980s, immortalized by shows like Stranger Things
, evoke a certain nostalgia: arcades, iconic music, and a sense of childhood freedom rarely seen today. However, one aspect of that era I don’t romanticize is the widespread ignorance surrounding mental health. Our daily after-school ritual involved unsupervised tackle football at the local park, often with kids significantly older than me. I recall a particularly gruesome incident where a player’s finger was broken, bent at a grotesque ninety-degree angle. He sprinted home, met with a dismissive “He’s running home to Mommy!” from an older kid, and we resumed play. Surprisingly, the thought of a broken bone didn’t stir my young mind.
What did, however, was a moment that etched itself into my memory: a player, mid-touchdown run, had his pants pulled down by a diving opponent, exposing his bare backside. While the other kids erupted in laughter, I was gripped by terror. “What if that happens to me?” The fear was visceral. From that day forward, I meticulously tied my oversized, neon-colored pajama-style pants with a string, pulling it so tight it caused stomach discomfort. Soon, the pre-football jitters morphed into pre-school sickness, then pre-everything sickness. Today, this would be an obvious sign of anxiety. But in the ’80s and ’90s, mental health wasn’t discussed. I was simply “the weird kid who threw up before school.”
In recent years, particularly since experiencing COVID in 2020 and 2021 (a connection I can’t scientifically confirm but strongly feel), my anxiety has become more pronounced, demanding a mindful and intentional approach. It’s never pleasant, but through this ongoing struggle, I’ve uncovered profound truths.
Profound Lessons from an Unwanted Teacher
1. The Gift of Presence
The overwhelming force of high anxiety anchors me firmly in the present moment. Reading, writing, gaming, or watching movies become impossible to enjoy. There’s simply nothing else to do but
be. This intense, authentic presence, while born of discomfort, offers a unique opportunity. When I fully engage with the physiological sensations of anxiety, I recognize them as pure energy within my body. In this heightened state of presence, I can observe how my mind constructs the emotion of “anxiety” from these raw sensations, revealing the true source of my suffering.
2. Understanding the Illusion of Control
My tendencies towards hyper-independence and meticulous preparedness have been labeled a trauma response. As a decade-long therapist, I still grapple with the implications of this. What anxiety unequivocally teaches me, however, is the stark difference between what I can and cannot control. The harsh reality is that I can’t control the external triggers or circumstances that seem to fuel my anxiety. The empowering truth is that I possess absolute control over my response to these triggers. Anxiety compels me to exercise this control with deliberate intention.
Furthermore, anxiety often directs my focus beyond myself, towards something greater. Whether it’s the “higher power” spoken of in AA meetings or award speeches, stepping outside my own head and acknowledging that I am not, in fact, in charge of everything, is profoundly liberating. It’s a vital reminder to operate within my own “weight class.”
3. The Imperative of Healthy Habits and Boundaries
When life is smooth, my discipline wanes. Healthy habits erode: poor eating, neglected exercise, late nights, and a steady diet of dark, distracting media. I also tend to let unhealthy, even toxic, individuals creep closer into my life, often under the guise of “helping” them, as many seek my counsel. Over time, anxiety has hammered home a crucial lesson: I must rigorously limit the proximity of toxic influences.
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