In a world that often encourages us to seek external validation, the journey to authentic love can feel like an uphill battle. This is a story about stepping off that path of performance and into the liberating space of self-choice, a journey that ultimately led to profound connection.
The Unseen Barrier: When Professionalism Hinders Personal Connection
The Speakeasy Encounter and the Silent Aftermath
The air was thick with the soulful hum of neo-soul and the promise of genuine connection. In a dimly lit speakeasy, a chance encounter unfolded. Dark eyes, an easy smile, and a conversation that swiftly moved beyond pleasantries into the depths of life’s journeys, goals, and desires. It felt adult, intentional. When numbers were exchanged, a flutter of hope, long dormant, stirred within. Yet, the anticipated follow-up never materialized. The silence, by Wednesday, was deafening.
Unmasking the ‘Counselor Mode’
Baffled and replaying the night’s events, a stark realization emerged. As a seasoned high school counselor with a master’s degree, my gift lies in building rapport, creating safe spaces, and facilitating vulnerability. I’m adept at asking the right open-ended questions, making others feel seen and heard. But on that date, I hadn’t been myself; I’d been in ‘counselor mode.’ My focus was entirely on connecting with him, drawing him out, and fostering depth, without ever pausing to ask a crucial question: “Do
I even want to connect with him?” I wasn’t being inauthentic, but I was being authentically professional – and that was the problem.
This wasn’t an isolated incident. Reflections on past dates revealed a pattern: empathetic nods through a lawyer’s divorce story, thoughtful follow-ups to a teacher’s nonprofit dreams, creating space for a musician’s family complexities. Each date felt “successful” in its own way, yet the fundamental questions remained unasked: Was I attracted to them? Did our values align? Did I genuinely enjoy the conversation, or was I merely facilitating it? My professional skills, invaluable in the office, were inadvertently sabotaging my search for personal connection.
Redefining Love: The Journey Inward
From Performance to Authenticity
The epiphany was clear: I needed to stop clocking in on dates. The relentless pursuit of being “chosen” had overshadowed my own power to choose. This marked the beginning of an intentional journey inward. Through books like “Loving Bravely,” nightly journaling, listening to Louise Hay, and deepening my yoga practice, I embarked on a quest to understand myself, not to find a man, but to find me.
A rigorous examination of past relationships revealed a painful truth: I had tolerated, ignored, and sacrificed too much in the name of peace and the desire to be picked. I had forgotten my own agency in the selection process. Granting myself grace, acknowledging a lack of a relationship template from my upbringing, I committed to building self-love, day by day. My person wouldn’t find me while I was busy performing for strangers.
Dating Myself: A New Approach to Self-Worth
The shift began with “dating myself.” No longer waiting for an invitation, I celebrated my own life, making plans, and refusing last-minute invites. True respect, I reasoned, came from someone who planned ahead, not one who assumed I was passively waiting. This mindset transformation, from “being chosen” to “choosing,” imbued me with a newfound confidence.
Empowered Dating: Asking for What You Deserve
Setting Intentions and Boundaries
With this empowerment came the courage to ask different, more direct questions on dates: “What are you listening to in your car?” “Are you open to marriage?” “Do you want kids?” The fear of being perceived as “too direct” vanished, replaced by the clarity of my own desires. My online profile became a genuine reflection of my silly, bubbly, compassionate personality, coupled with honest articulation of my relationship goals.
The Power of Your Own Voice
When connections progressed to phone calls, I established a clear, respectful tone: “Hey, we’re both looking for our person. If it doesn’t feel right—for either of us—let’s call it respectfully.” This transparent approach, though perhaps unconventional, allowed for mutual respect and saved valuable time. For the first time, I was truly choosing to use my voice, not to perform, but to reveal my authentic self and trust that the right person would love what they found. This journey wasn’t just about finding love; it was about finding the power to define it on my own terms.
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