Parenthood, while undeniably rewarding, often presents a unique set of emotional challenges. The very individuals we cherish most – our children – can, at times, inadvertently ignite powerful, even overwhelming, reactions within us. As psychotherapist Lia Avellino, LCSW, insightfully explains, these moments, commonly referred to as ‘triggers,’ are not merely about our children’s actions. Instead, they serve as profound invitations to delve into our own inner landscapes.
Beyond the Behaviour: Understanding Parental Triggers
It’s a scenario many parents know well: a child’s relentless demands, a sudden tantrum, or a chaotic home environment sends a wave of frustration or anger washing over you. The immediate, often automatic, thought might be, “If only my child would just stop this, life would be so much simpler!” However, Avellino, a relational and somatic psychotherapist, clarifies that while a child’s behaviour can indeed press against our sensitivities, the true origin of these triggers often lies much deeper within our own experiences.
In a psychological context, a trigger is an external stimulus, event, or behaviour that activates a disproportionate negative reaction within us. These reactions frequently connect to unhealed past traumas, unmet needs, or unresolved disappointments. For instance, one parent might return home to a messy house and feel an intense urge to scream, while another might remain completely unbothered. The difference often stems from individual histories: perhaps the first parent experienced significant pressure around neatness or bore heavy caretaking responsibilities in their youth. In such cases, the child’s ‘messiness’ isn’t a deliberate act of defiance but a catalyst, bringing these buried feelings to the surface.
It’s crucial to understand that neither the parent nor the child is inherently at fault in these moments. However, it is unequivocally the parent’s responsibility to learn how to respond effectively. It is not the child’s role to anticipate or manage their parent’s emotional needs.
Empowering Strategies for Navigating Parental Triggers
Responding constructively in these emotionally charged moments requires both self-awareness and intentional strategies. Here are two fundamental approaches to help parents feel more empowered and connected:
1. Connect the Present to Your Past Self
Children, by their very nature, are unpredictable, persistent, risk-taking, and deeply needy. These are not flaws but essential aspects of their development. Yet, if your own childhood involved suppressing your needs or being reprimanded for expressing strong emotions, your child’s natural exuberance can become incredibly difficult to tolerate. Avellino shares a powerful personal experience: her child’s intense emotional expressions, initially a significant trigger, ultimately became a profound mirror. She realised her child was embodying the anger and sadness she herself had never felt comfortable fully expressing. This reframing transformed her child from an adversary into a teacher, revealing her own unmet emotional needs.
To apply this, ask yourself:
- What specific behaviour of my child is pushing against a sensitive spot within me?
- How might my child’s actions be illuminating my own unmet needs or past emotional aches?
- What do I need right now to tend to these vulnerable parts of myself?
This shift—from focusing solely on the child’s ‘irritating’ behaviour to exploring its resonance within your own history—holds the power to transform both your internal response and the dynamic of your interactions.
2. Recognise It’s Not a Personal Affront
In moments of parental exhaustion, it’s easy to slip into the emotionally immature thought that our children “could be doing better” or “could make the family run more smoothly.” Avellino acknowledges this common internal struggle and encourages parents to reconnect with their own pasts, particularly if they grew up striving to meet high expectations. It’s a vital reminder: it is not our children’s job to make our lives “easier.” Instead, it is our responsibility to cultivate a greater tolerance for the healthy, albeit sometimes chaotic, realities of family life.
Understanding that your child’s behaviour is typically a reflection of their developmental stage, current emotional state, or innate curiosity—rather than a deliberate attempt to annoy, challenge, or disrespect you—can significantly de-escalate your triggered response. This perspective fosters empathy for your child and empowers you to respond from a place of calm understanding, rather than reactive frustration.
For more details, visit our website.
Source: Link
