Embracing Authenticity: A Journalist’s Journey Beyond Dogma
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Growing up as the fifth of seven children in a devoutly religious family, my world was meticulously shaped by faith. From my earliest memories, I was taught the importance of adherence: follow the rules, perform for approval, maintain peace, and above all, be ‘good.’ This upbringing, while well-intentioned, inadvertently taught me to relinquish my personal power. The church held the keys to answers, authority, and even forgiveness, fostering a reliance on external validation rather than an intimate connection with my own inner truth. It was a profound disconnection from the very essence meant to guide my life.
For years, I equated ‘goodness’ with compliance, not compassion. Obedience, I was told, superseded genuine connection or concern for others. This rigid framework kept me estranged from my own body, my intuition, and the innate desire to experience life as something sacred. When the first stirrings of doubt arose, they weren’t born of rebellion, but of a burgeoning sense of responsibility – a quiet resolve to forge my own relationship with myself and my truth.
The Cracks in the Foundation: When Life Unraveled
For a significant period, I meticulously fulfilled every expectation. I was deeply involved in church activities, married young, and welcomed a child, constructing a life that outwardly appeared perfectly aligned with societal and religious norms. However, the first major fissure appeared after my divorce in 2013. Much of what I had been taught to trust began to unravel.
Naively, I had anticipated solace from my family, but instead, I encountered distance. Disapproval manifested in subtle yet unmistakable ways, revealing the fragile nature of some relationships and how easily love could be withdrawn when I deviated from the prescribed mold. It was then I began to grasp the profound extent to which religion had dictated the giving and withholding of affection. Despite this, I desperately tried to make it work, convincing myself that belonging was still possible if I simply followed the rules and remained ‘small.’ Yet, this pretense only deepened my estrangement from myself.
The Dark Night of the Soul: A Profound Loss
Then, in 2018, my world completely fractured. A painful family conflict escalated into a level of rejection I could never have conceived. Those I loved most turned their backs on me and my daughter. What I had believed would be my sanctuary became the source of my deepest wounds. The loss felt absolute.
In the ensuing months, I plunged into a chasm of grief and despair unlike anything I had ever known. Days blurred into an indistinguishable haze of numbness. It was as if all color had drained from the world. I wasn’t merely sad; I felt utterly absent. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was navigating what some call a ‘dark night of the soul,’ a period that would stretch for the better part of seven years. It was depression, yes, but it was also something far deeper. I wasn’t just emotionally unwell; I was spiritually unwell. The faith that once provided meaning had ceased to function, and I had nothing authentic to replace it with. I was adrift in a life that, from the outside, appeared perfectly fine, yet felt hollow at its core.
Redefining Spiritual Wellness: Beyond Dogma and ‘Woo’
This profound experience underscored the critical importance of spiritual health. Spiritual wellness, I discovered, has little to do with organized religion or anything ‘woo.’ Instead, it’s about cultivating a deep, authentic connection to yourself, to others, and to the expansive world around you. It is the very essence that imbues life with depth and coherence. When this connection thrives, you feel anchored, vibrant, and truly alive.
Conversely, when we lose touch with meaning, we lose touch with ourselves. We begin to live from the outside in, our worth measured by output, our identity shaped by external reflections. Life transforms from something to be experienced into something to be merely managed.
The Journey Back to Self: Crafting a Personal Spirituality
For a long time, I attempted to ‘fix’ myself using the familiar methods I had been taught: pray harder, achieve more, be grateful, push through. But these efforts only propelled me further away from my true self, feeling increasingly performative. Eventually, survival demanded surrender. I ceased trying to reclaim who I had been and began asking, ‘Who am I now?’
I pulled every lever within reach: therapy, yoga, journaling, meditation, long walks in nature, actively seeking community, and even exploring psychedelics. None of these were magic bullets, but collectively, they served as profound medicine. Slowly, painstakingly, I began to construct a spirituality that was uniquely mine. I learned that I could still believe in something greater without needing another entity to define it for me. I found reverence in the ordinary: in the simple act of breathing, in the sensations of my body, in the unexpected kindness of strangers. I realized I didn’t need a church to feel intimately connected to something sacred.
The Practice of Aliveness: A Continuous Return
This profound realization didn’t arrive with fireworks or grand epiphanies. It unfolded through a series of small, honest moments: cooking dinner for my daughter, breathing through waves of anxiety, allowing grief to move through me rather than resisting it. Each moment of authenticity meticulously stitched me back together.
Over time, I came to understand that connection isn’t a destination you reach once and keep forever. It is a sacred space you return to, again and again. Some days, I still forget, and that, too, is part of the practice. Remembering is the essence. True aliveness, I’ve learned, isn’t about chasing a perpetual spiritual high or waiting for life’s circumstances to align perfectly. It is the courageous, ongoing decision to participate fully, even when the path ahead remains beautifully, terrifyingly uncertain.
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