The Prowler in My Mind: Learning to Live with Depression

A Journey of Self-Discovery

Depression can be a formidable foe, leaving one feeling like a prowler is gliding through their body, bringing with it a sense of darkness and despair. Tony Collins, a writer and documentary filmmaker, shares his personal experience of living with depression, and how he has learned to coexist with it.

Embracing the Shadow

Collins draws on the wisdom of Carl Jung, who wrote that “everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in our conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” Collins has come to realize that his depression is not just a source of pain, but also a teacher, forcing him to confront the parts of himself he would rather outrun. By acknowledging and accepting his shadow, Collins has found that its power weakens.

The Power of Presence

Collins has learned the importance of presence in his journey with depression. He has come to understand that presence is not about escaping into light or denying the dark, but about staying with what is, breathing with it, resting with it, and even sleeping with it, without running away. This presence has allowed him to find moments of relief and to coexist with his depression.

Caregiving as a Source of Light

Collins’ experience as a caregiver for his 96-year-old mother has been a source of light in his life. The small acts of caregiving, such as bringing her breakfast or playing her favorite tunes on his mandolin, have brought moments of unexpected reprieve. These acts have reminded him that love and service are stronger than despair.

Feeding the Shadow or the Light

Collins has come to realize that he sometimes feeds his depression, not on purpose, but through worry, anxiety, and rumination. However, he has also learned to feed the peaceful wolf, through simple acts such as meditation, writing, and caregiving. By choosing to feed the light, Collins has found that he can coexist with his depression.

A Message of Hope

Collins’ story is a message of hope for those living with depression. He shows that it is possible to live alongside depression, and that presence, compassion, and love can be powerful tools in this journey. His story is a reminder that we are not alone, and that there is always the possibility of finding moments of relief and coexistence.
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